No More Indecision

I was 26 when I finally walked away from my family.  My being, my soul had had all it could take and I thought I would be better off on my own.  I met the boyfriend that I still have now then and he brought into my life the one thing I had seemed to miss my entire existence on this earth--laughter.  He's showed me what true love feels like and if I believed in angels--I would say he's heaven sent.

I wish he could fix all the wounds that I carry with me now--that his love alone could put band-aids and salve on my heart.  But it doesn't quite work that way, at least not for me.  He helps me to carry the burden a little, but these are my issues to work out.  They are my problems to heal and I struggle with self doubt and exactly how to do so.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have just gone with my first instinct and never looked back.  Walked away at 26 and never gave it a second thought.  Perhaps I would have been better off, but I loved these people.  They were my family.  I was stronger then that's for sure.  They weren't capable then of making me think I'm the one's whose crazy.  So I opened the door once again and let them all back in.  That's what families do right?  Forgive and forget?

For a short while it was good, I soared actually.  It felt wonderful to have them in my life again and it seemed that the troubles of the past had finally let go.  But it's just not meant to be because they do not make me a better person and maybe I don't do that for them either.

I've finally made a decision again.  I don't feel as strongly about as I did at 26.  I struggle with doubt that I'm making a mistake, but I've come to realize a few things.  They can only make me feel what I choose to let them.  They can only make me do something that I allow them to do.  Their opinion of me only matters if I let it matter.

I'm fortunate to have my boyfriend in my life because he's a good barometer for what family should be to me.  At 26, I actually ran--this time I'm quietly walking away.  I'm a little wobbly on the steps right now, but I know I'll get stronger the farther I walk.  No more doubt--I know what's behind me--what's in front of me has to be better.