She pops into my head almost daily now, usually when I steal a few moments completely to myself. It's a strange thing when you consider that I've gone years without thinking about her. Oh sure, the 'issues' have always cropped up throughout the years--always some new layer I need to peal off the onion--making sure I trip, fall, and skin my knee before finding my footing again. The mix of emotions that churn within me I could not have anticipated, or maybe I should have. Isn't that almost expected when you are abandoned by a parent that is finally made to lay in the bed they've made? It's okay, you can call me naive, but I really thought I would be perfectly fine when this day did finally come. I've told myself, hell, convinced myself that she means nothing to me anymore--that I've got no connection to her. Those of you on the outside would shake your head with that knowing look. You don't even have to speak the words, but she's your mother.
I can't seem to make heads or tails of how I feel. I've been pushed and pulled in all directions, and I'll be completely honest, every direction makes perfect sense to me. I can give you a list of reasons for each pull or push, but in this debate that constantly goes on inside my head--there is no clear winner. I wish there was a simple truth to it all--like I don't even know her--but I don't have to know her to know her, I know me and through me, I get glimpses of her. I don't feel connected to her, but I am somehow. I don't like her, but somewhere, somehow there is love for her. It's faint, but still there nonetheless. How else would you explain why I've kept every greeting card she's ever sent me? That's what I have of her--a lifetime of greeting cards that say I thought of you on your birthday (because it's the day before her own) but I'll never be a part of your life in any kind of meaningful way. Do you have any idea how confusing it is to have the people you truly love the most tell you that is love? Greeting cards are love. Constantly in my ear telling me she loves me--they know that much! How could they possibly know that when I don't? I have to swallow all of this because she's dying and I've tried. I'm pretty sure I'm going to come out looking like the asshole when it's all said and done because I can't be the daughter she needed when it really mattered. And maybe that's okay because she couldn't be the mother I needed when it really mattered either.
But she's your mother...
3 comments:
You know I have the same turmoil about my father. He deserves everything that he has coming for him because of what he's done in life, but yet I don't want him to hurt him the same way he hurt me. Maybe it's because I know I am better than that or it's some unbreakable allegiance because he is 50% responsible for me being on earth.
I am so sorry. I can't know how torn you are, the pain and longing and confusion. I can imagine.
As one who is also so torn over a parent, although it's my dad, I wonder if I'll go through the same thing when he starts to fade. My parents will be seventy this year. It could be soon or not for a long time. Right now I am so confused. I am torn between how I feel and how I think I'm supposed to feel. I think I'll be relieved when they're gone. Maybe I'm completely off base.
I hope you find peace with your feelings and your relationship, whatever it turns out to be. Thinking of you tonight.
Thanks Ladies. @Stephi all of my hatred melted away and my anger has significantly faded. I'd almost say it's completely gone but it still rears it head when something is expected of me that I don't think should be. I think I just understand her better--she just wasn't capable of raising a child. And you are better!
@Robin there has to be some peace in all of this and I hope that you find it one day. My mom is only 53 and she is going to die painfully and probably alone. I don't feel an obligation to her as a daughter, but as a human being I do. My family makes it a lot more complicated for me, even my dad. Like I'm crazy for thinking and feeling like I do. I believe that you once told me to just feel what I feel--so Robin just feel what you feel and if that changes down the line--that's okay too.
Wishing you both some peace with your relationships as I struggle to find mine as well. Thank you for the kind words.
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