The air has a deep chill. I can feel moisture lingering after the rain. All is quiet except some chirping crickets and a faint dog bark now and then. I take another drag, slowly blow it out, and stare blankly into the night. The bricks under my naked feet are rough and cold, but I barely notice. My mind and body is caught somewhere between numb and nothing, but for reasons I can't discern, my eyes well up. I take another drag. Exhale. I should be sleeping. There's a pain in my chest and tightness squeezing my neck and shoulders. My throat is clenched making it difficult to swallow. I desperately need to say something, but words glide through my head like aloof clouds. I stare at a puddle in the street. There is a reflection of the streetlight above, but I don't really see it. I'm not here. My eyes lose focus, distorting the world. I don't care--there's no energy to use them.
Suddenly, I feel flush. A surge of heat courses my body. Swollen. Throbbing. My face contorts gruesomely as my body involuntarily hunches over. My arms attempt to hug myself while hot tears plow my skin, soaking my neck and shirt. No sound escapes my lips, not even a whimper.
Why are you crying?
I have no idea.
You lost hope a long time ago, she was never going to be the mother you needed and you KNOW that! What is done is done and you don't want to change it. There is no real connection and you aren't the kind of person that can fake it.
A little girl's voice invades my thoughts, because I don't want her to die.
4 comments:
This is beatiful. So painful, but beautifully written.
Nice to see you again Robin and thank you.
I am so sorry about your Mom, no matter what happened in the past it is painful to loose a parent- whether or not they were an actual parent- they brought you into this world and have been alive the whole you have been alive...
x
The little girl in me feels that pain--the adult me doesn't at all. The little girl loved her...the adult doesn't know her.
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